me. ME?

Today I know for sure, the word resistance has a very powerful meaning (or at least to me-and my lazy body). I woke up at 9.45 ish, and as usual, dragged myself outta bed at least 30 minutes later, and straight to LAPTOP. Geez! Maybe if someone were to Suoer-glued me (literally) to my laptop, our moment of seperable will no longer limited to bathroom-affairs. And back to my lazy day, I ate the remaining of my 5 hours labour (Oxtail Soup) and lazed on sofa, savouring on my daily over-dose dope of His writing. Still, entertained on day two. You got me hooked, dude.

Anyways, due to my being procrastinator, I have been extremely unproductive and yielding mountainous work to do, that I could have done many ages ago. Now it all sums up, with my worries over university transfers, subject combination, my parents coming here, also my Canadian visa problem (saving for the next paragraph!). See how much it all accumulates in my head? Geez, I didnt know that I could be this unefficient when it comes to holiday period. Where did I spent those 4 weeks on? Where was the motivation I set aside to study TOEFL despite being on holiday? tell me WHEREEEEEE~

The funny thing is that, Im sure to hell, not to mistook my personality as any kind other than someone, who measures how good her day was by recounting how productive she is, or how much she has crossed off from her to-do list. But what's with the moral deterioration?
A quiet voice inside my heart, that took me long time to admit, seems to tell me that I no longer cares about myself, my future, the people surround me with their expectations, as much as I used to. What has gotten into me? Im having too much fun, and swerved a LOT more than what I could anticipate myself. Now I have trully understood what my boyfriend has been saying "jangan cakap abes", which in English translation could probably mean "dont be too sure/confident". Since I didnt forsee nor I admit to myself that Im digressing, I began the process of self-denial: Iam still having full control of myself, and leading myself to where I ought to be (notice that I used OUGHT instead of GOTTA), darn proud, I might say. I kept not listening whats inside my heart was telling me about. Now I know that self-dialogue, though it sounds monologue, could have said a lot about things that you dont bother to take a second look at, nor spend more than 1 minute digging on it.

I somewhat feel more human-ly this holiday. I know that I possessed some characteristics that defines human, like: lazyness, digression, mood-swing,lost,and apparently, ego. One thing that I'd never realize I have it, up till my relationship got me discover them. Thank you Baby, you regain me back my sense of humanity, or more like, makes me feel like complete human. Now I know that Im as humane as anyone else there is in the world, meaning that any unfortunate events in the form of mental disorders/whatevs, I could be having those too. Now, the stake is,I know where the problems are, and what gonna differentiate me and them: knowing that im diverting and handling it fast/ being ignorant and going downhill with it.

Not too bad huh, for a holiday. This experience SHOULD be enriching, and not a PASSER-BY.

Not Quitting,
Arella.